@EliTerry

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

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@hurlarious

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

@alive_and_dying

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

@adult_keverage

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

@etherealraccoon

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

@kelkulus

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

@impaulmccoy

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

@daemonic3

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

@Mr_goose007

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

@AllanForsyth

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

@SpencerLenox

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!