It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
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Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
marvel comics have peaked
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight