Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
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You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!