@LlamaInaTux Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
@LoveNLunchmeat It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
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@LlamaInaTux 
@QwertyJones3 Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
@electric_Dad_ “?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
@OtherDanOBrien [Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
@_elvishpresley_ ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
@truegritrumble Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
@ArfMeasures [After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
@AnkCoupleTO I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
@chancetherapper Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
@3sunzzz [job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor