@LoveNLunchmeat

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

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@LlamaInaTux

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

@OtherDanOBrien

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

@_elvishpresley_

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

@truegritrumble

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

@ArfMeasures

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

@AnkCoupleTO

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

@chancetherapper

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

@3sunzzz

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor