It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
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-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee