It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
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You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.