It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
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I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes