It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

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(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower


No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.


Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.


My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.


That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.


I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.


Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?


When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”


I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.


Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.