It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
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Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!