It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
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I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.