Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

the icebreaker

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”