It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
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My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”