It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
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“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.