It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
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You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.