It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
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*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon