It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
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You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car