It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
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daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Jurassic park gets weird
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
With this onion ring, I thee fed
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.