It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
You Might Also Like
Moms. The original autocorrect.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
A small tragedy.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.