@Jake_Vig

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

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@GrantTanaka

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

@Book_Krazy

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

@the_hawlk

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

@SondraDeeMe

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

@RbenzHF

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

@Lottie_Poppie

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

@VeryLonelyLuke

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?