It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

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they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had


Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave


TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red


One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.


My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.


You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?


I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?