It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
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[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Close call…
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway