It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
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Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer