It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
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boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.