It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
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Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?