It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
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You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
I WON A HAM TODAY
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes