It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
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[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails