It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
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Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
FRED: right
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids