It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
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Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
honestly, i need both:
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Accurate
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.