It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
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Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it