It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
You Might Also Like
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
“What movie?” 🤔
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please