It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
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In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.