It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.


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its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads


Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit


Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.


Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™


When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.


A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.


Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.


DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*


Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10


[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.