@JustUnstableMe

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

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@thegallowboob

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

@Smooheed

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

@batkaren

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

@ristolable

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

@Laser_Cat

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

@TheToddWilliams

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

@gbergan

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

@BellPupper

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

@T_N_Crumpets

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

@nojeshua

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.