@thegallowboob its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
@JustUnstableMe It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
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@thegallowboob 
@Smooheed Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
@batkaren Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
@ristolable Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
@Laser_Cat When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
@TheToddWilliams A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
@gbergan Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
@BellPupper DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
@T_N_Crumpets Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
@nojeshua [mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.