Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.