It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
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* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.