It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
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me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word