It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
You Might Also Like
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies