It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
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i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
3% human
97% stress
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.