It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
You Might Also Like
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.