It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 馃巿
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Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it鈥檚 still today.
7: aww
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Hot Panini is in big trouble
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you鈥檙e gonna have to shower after anyway.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
everyone has that one prude friend