It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
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[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree