It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.
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My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
My ideal weight is five million dollars
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
tourist season
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
