@writerPT

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

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@iAmDelFreaky

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

@Cpin42

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

@Home_Halfway

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

@HollyHeals

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

@heatherlou_

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

@AngieDavisHaha

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

@pleatedjeans

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

@LackOfShame

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

@CulturedRuffian

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic