It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
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“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”