It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
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I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.