It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
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To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda