@NintenDom

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

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@chuuew

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

@YearOfRat

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

@TitaniumToplass

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

@UNDEADTRESOR

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

@DanglesTV2

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

@ILikeFaucet

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

@grammar_cunt

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

@DurtMcHurtt

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

@desi_princess

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache