[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
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My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache