It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

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[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money


My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.


When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.


My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁


There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”


Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?


“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”


*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever


Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache