It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
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Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
doing some research
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
*me flirting
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
me when I see my crush
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.