It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
You Might Also Like
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller