It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
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When can I start eating bats again.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.