Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.