‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
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Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Black Friday “markdowns” like
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends