It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Brilliant!
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
saving face 👀
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools