It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
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(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day