It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
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INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money