It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
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My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
new record!
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”