It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
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Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.