It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
You Might Also Like
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
pictures of spider-man
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving