It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
then why did i get this email
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.