Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

Yup!

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

They say women only use 10% of their anger

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

checking out some reviews of my local library

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”