Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

Who chose this font

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.