It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
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I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I thought this was funny lol
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
liiiiiiiiike
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?