@amydillon

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

@trevso_electric

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

@AbbyHasIssues

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

@SortaBad

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

@WheelTod

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

@NotBillWalton

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

@sixfootcandy

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

@abbycohenwl

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!